Looking for a great way to kill yourself on a snowmobile? You’ve come to the right place! Forget the boring “ride on extremely steep hills” (we ain’t got ’em in New Brunswick anyway!), or “go too fast” as a means to end your life, who wants their demise to be so predictable? If you really want to go for a Darwin Award, check out this list of the 5 best ways to kill yourself on a snowmobile.
1. Tailgating at 180 km/h
Oh yes. This is a most excellent way to snuff yourself out. Whether you’re kissing the bumper of your buddy’s 4×4 or riding the arse of a fellow snowmobiler, get going as fast as you possibly can and as close as your snowmobilin’ skills will allow. Want to make it even more exciting? Have the person you’re following tap the brakes every now and again to test and exercise your reflexes. This is a near-guaranteed way to kill yourself on a snowmobile and, if you fail, at bare minimum you’ll have some pretty cool scars to show-off (a fine way to impress the ladies, let me tell you).
2. See how far into nowhere you can go on a 1/4 tank of gas
Since you can’t exhaust the Search & Rescue resources by getting caught in an avalanche here in New Brunswick, why not send them on a wild goose chase by setting out on a long trip into futt-buck nowhere on only a 1/4 tank of gas. Drive that snowmobile as long and hard as you can until you hear the put-put-put of an empty tank. Once you’re out of gas, set the timer on your watch and see how long it takes for rescue teams to find you. To make it even more effective, don’t let anyone know where you’re going and combine this with #3 and #5 (that Darwin Award is as good as yours!).
3. See how many shots of vodka you can pour and slam while driving at the same time
This takes a lot of fine motor skills, which can be improved overtime with practise. You’ll be more successful if you take your gloves off and, if you’ve got a buddy riding with you, don’t let him hold the shot glass – that’s cheating. This is a fine way to stay warm, especially if you’ve also followed #5. Oh, and feel free to exchange the vodka for your choice of hard alcohol (may I recommend fireball whiskey?).
4. Drive on half frozen lakes
This will really test who has the most balls between you and your friends. There are two ways of doing this: 1) Have everyone line up with their snowmobiles at the edge of the partially frozen lake. On “go”, everyone guns it to see who can make it the furthest without falling in; or 2) Everyone has a marker and you take turns driving out onto the ice, once you’ve gone as far as you dare, drop the marker and come on back. See who can get their marker the furthest on the lake. Bet you can’t make it to the other side!
5. Pack light
Come on, you’re tough, right? Who needs an emergency kit, jacket, extra gloves, etc.? Those things are for wimps and only weigh you down! If you’re successful in following # 1 or #4 you won’t need any of these items anyway and, to stay warm, simply follow #3! Duh.
I’m sure there are a hundred and one ways to kill yourself on a snowmobile…actually, I’m pretty confident there are limitless ways to end your life abruptly with a snowmobile and that all it takes is a little imagination and skill (or lack of)! So, what’s missing? Have you got a better example of how to kill yourself on a snowmobile? Or, better yet, if you have any stories of your failed attempts….let us know! Of course, we are happy you failed or you wouldn’t be reading this and we don’t really want you to kill yourself on a snowmobile, we’re just being facetious….or trying to be!